Friday, May 11, 2012

Freedom from the Dark

It's been awhile since I have published anything on my blog but book reviews. But for the longest time it was all I could do. And sometimes it felt almost impossible even at that. But things are different now.

Do you ever look back on your life and realize that had a darkness about it? Kind of like you are just existing, but barely if even that? That is how I feel right now. For some reason, I'm not even really sure about the whys of it, I feel like I am emerging into the light. I am lighter of spirit, I feel excited about things, energized and my smile comes a little easier these days. But for what ever reason it is happening, I am so very glad for it.

I guess it's kind of like waking up out of a semi conscience state.

But the truly unique part of it all, is that while I was in those dark depths of my life, I didn't know it was that well,  soo dark. It just felt like I was getting through the days ok, but it was harder to just keep going, so I supposed I made it by on just existing. And that to me is ok, because by existing and not giving in, I feel more like myself in ages.

And I wondered what could have brought about the changes, subtle as they were until suddenly I looked back as if shedding a second skin, letting go of the gloom. And I realized a few things.

I had incredible friends who never let me stay down wallowing in my anguished state, they pulled me up to keep me from staying face down in the mud. That through the midst of an unexpected pregnancy, a miscarriage, and the unasked for physical consequences that come with just that, and being older, and it being my well, 9th pregnancy, let's just say emotions, hormones, and bodies bounce back to normal much more slowly. Then I found myself encased in a air cast for 5 weeks of that time, in which I dealt with more physical setbacks, and a major reaction to the pain killers I was given. Suffice it to say I will never ever take vicadin again, well not if I want to stay alive that is.

But I think this last week and a half has helped me to see the sunshine so much more fully. Partly because we named the little baby girl we lost. We are  calling her Carolyne. It fits so well. It is the name whispered to me when I asked what she called by in the spirit world. Her name lifts me and fills me with happiness. My youngest child who I won't get to know until a later time. Then her oldest sister, Breanna graduated from college, filling my heart with more happiness at her achievements. I got to see many dear friends that filled my soul right to the brim. And I was freed from my air cast, and even though it does hurt to walk without it, and I limp a bit, I feel like my soul can soar once more.

It is true that these few things aren't all that has helped me step out into the light again and feel the sun shine on my soul, chasing the darkness away, and it is also true that there are more factors that I am not consciously aware of that contributed to how I feel, but what ever it is, I am grateful! So very grateful to feel more like me in a long long time. Alive , happy and looking forward to what life brings with hope and not hiding or sleeping my life away.

So I am out of the dark. And it feels wonderful, and I am grateful to all my wonderful friends seen and unseen that have sustained me and helped me to crawl bit by bit into the light. Because believe me, it feels so wonderful! And I am so very thankful for the ability to see the difference. and even though the journey back isn't fully complete, it doesn't matter, because I am soaring and will only soar higher as I fly toward the warmth of the sun.