Friday, February 17, 2012

getting over miscarrying

In December my life changed, well more than the fact that I had a birthday. I found out I was pregnant, and then just as fast found out I wasn't anymore. What remained behind was a larger aftermath than I expected.

It's been two months now, and I am still working through the waves it left in my life. To everyone else, it seems as if my life never stopped being what it always was. No interuptions, a temporary upheaval already resolved with the loss of the baby.

But in reality, my life has completely altered. I think about that little child all the time, and even though I am a lot older, 43, and have 7 living children, this one stays in my mind, haunting me with her presence.

Maybe it isn't so much a haunt as it is an echo or a whisper, but it feels like if I blow really hard she will just wisp away and never even be real. And as silly as it may sound, that is the last thing I want. I don't want to forget her, or imagine that week of discovery and loss never existed, because it did.

It changed how my body is, and it changed my spirit. My body is still dealing with the aftermath of the miscarriage. The pain that lingers from the results of hormones raging through my body doing their job releasing relaxon and whatever else, my body is still in the process of undoing the 7 weeks of preparation. So it hurts to exercise and walk, and that stinks for me since I teach 4 or more exercise classes in a week, which means I just deal.

Emotionally and spiritually, I keep wondering why when my kids are spread from 21 to 8 did this happen now, so far away from when I had everyone else, and made me reevaluate what is important, and I am still trying to work through that, because suddenly things that had immense meaning and was high on my priority list now don't seem so almighty.

So while to the rest of the world it looks like everything is status quo on the outside, inside I have reminders, echos of a memory, wonders of what I have lost and what I am now to become, and hopes that I will figure out those questions and regain a whole body once again are something I am ready to have worked through.

So while nothing but book reviews have been up on my blog lately, these things have been part of me constantly and I have been wanting to say something about it, and finally the words have demanded it in spite of my trying to ignore it all . . . and well a lot of everything else.

I am getting better, but emotions are running a bit higher than normal this week. It's been two months now, but this weekend also marks two years since my dad died, so everything is more sensitive. But I am starting to feel like reemerging again, which is a lot more than what I my desire was up until a couple weeks ago.


Kristine said...


Oveson's said...

girl I feel your pain chica....I cant say that I have had the exact experiences as you because we are all different and in different situations in our lives. But this I can say is that the hurting eventually turns to faith and you always remember that sweet spirit but it no longer hurts and the emotions are not as close to the surface. I am so sad that this has happened and I could not be there to give you a great big hug!! I love you girl and I know from my own experience (which I am sure that you know) but lean on the savior he will help all of the hurt become faith!! I love ya!!!

Angie said...

So sorry, Debbie! *hugs*

Mary Ann said...

Sorry this happened to you. But, thank you for having the courage to share it. My daughter is going through this process this weekend. Your words have helped both of us :o)

Rachelle Christensen said...

Debbie, I'm sorry to hear this. Your feelings are beautiful and valid. I don't know if it will help, but sometime when you're ready, you might like to visit my other blog, I wrote a book about miscarriage called Lost Children: Coping with Miscarriage for Latter Day Saints. It hurts, and you'll always remember it, but I hope you will have peace.